It’s Almost My Birthday

My 29th birthday is Friday.  I am not freaked out by the # at all.  I have to admit to myself that I am pretty much on track to where I wanted to be.  Sure I wish I was making more money and we owned our own home by now, but I am thankful that I have the important things that really matter to me.

Everyone keeps asking what I want for my birthday.  I don’t know what to tell them.  I don’t want jewelry, I don’t want body lotion gift baskets or massages. I want a baby.  A child.  A piece of my husband and I.  I want to be pregnant.  But you can’t exactly gift wrap that.  I had my first IUI last Friday so I guess that little syringe full of little swimmers is the closest you can come to wrapping up that gift 🙂

My birthdays are not known for being…..good?  Nothing too terrible.  It’s just the middle of winter.  I never had a lot of friends.  Like ever.  My childhood therapist and I used to play checkers.  She eventually told my mother that I didn’t need therapy, I just needed friends.  I never had birthday parties after the age of 5.  I started being teased ruthlessly after 1st grade.  No idea why.  I guess I was always different and I never was able to identify with anyone especially with each race.  I am biracial (Black mom, White dad) so neither race ever accepted me.  So I embraced my uniqueness and ran with it.  Didn’t help that I was chubby and always said what I felt.  I didn’t play classroom politics very well and I am having a tough time with office politics.

In high school, when everyone else’s friends decorated their locker and got them balloons to carry to every class, I got nothing.  Ever.  4 years.  plus 2 more in Jr. High.  One year, my dad got me a balloon the day before when he took me out to dinner and I snuck it into school and pretended like someone left it for me.  Pretty sad, huh?  I guess I do that in my adult life too.  I make people think that things are better than they really are.  Even in my adult life, none of my friends ever did anything for my birthday.  None of our couple friends or my coworkers at previous jobs.  Even my husband has a tough time coming up with stuff, he is just not a creative guy.  And he doesn’t plan in advance.  But I have always wished that he would plan a surprise for me.

But this year is different.  While everyone else I work with has overlooked my upcoming birthday, the only two people there that I trust and care about are doing something for me.  Usually for everyone’s birthday in the office, we decorate their desk and bring in a cake or cupcakes.  For all of my team and my boss, I have decorated for them.  But they didn’t do anything.  They don’t have to, I am used to that.  But my two friends, let’s call the male Vance and the female Shannon, stayed late to decorate my desk.  I know because they had me wait in the lobby for my husband after work instead of my desk.  At the time it was very cute, thoughtful and funny.  But during dinner I realized how much it meant to me and started to tear up.  Happy/Sad tears.  Happy and overjoyed that there are finally people who care enough to go out of their way to acknowledge my birthday.  Sad because it took 29 years to someone to care and how much it always hurt.  But I built more and more brick and concrete around my heart to tell myself I was strong.  But I’m not.  I am strong because I have to be.  I don’t have a choice not to be.

So I am very excited.  I had a rough night.  Back is in so much pain.  I didn’t do my physical therapy exercises and Lenny and I got into a huge fight.  So now I have my TENS electrodes on my back and the pain is soothing away.

And on top of ALL this.  I am in the TWW.  The “Two Week Wait” is the time between ovulation and when your next period is supposed to start.  Just breathing and trying not to think about it.  But that is impossible of course!  I am just trying to find the middle between getting excited and trying to not get my hopes up.

Baby dust 🙂

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