A Squirrel Who Lost It’s Nuts……

I don’t know.  I’m just so gloomy and sad lately.  No idea why.  I mean, I know this has been the hardest year of my life, but I think all of the stress that I overcame has hit me and turned into sadness.  I don’t feel joy from anything, especially things that used to make me happy.  I hate to be touched.  Or engaged in conversation.  Everything annoys me.

 I have struggled with depression and Bipolar II all of my life.  I was doing so well for so long, but I think this past year has finally broken me.  I know this post sounds bad, it really isn’t.  There isn’t anything wrong with my life.  But when I am melancholy like this, I find fault in every little thing.  I don’t know how to “snap” out of it.  For so long, I was the strong one.  Not even by choice, but because no one else was able to.  Or because I had the pressure put on me.  And so I broke.  This happened in college.  I was under so much stress to be perfect, in school and in a terrible relationship, and then I hurt my back.  The pain was unbearable and I started to gain weight.  My life spiraled from there.  The only thing that got me out of that was meeting my husband.  Gave me something to look forward to.  In the future.  

I know that having a child is something wonderful to look forward to, but because of our infertility, it can’t just be something spontaneous and wonderful.  Instead it is a lot of work.  I am not necessarily complaining.  I am very grateful for everything that we have available to us.  But I am the kind of person that becomes completely invested in something important to me.  I will research it to the ends of what I can find.  Sometimes I have to stop myself from researching every little thing.  But I can’t give up control. 

 I know that control is a big issue for me.  I want to have control but I also want the option to give up control when I feel I can’t handle it.  It doesn’t sound like it makes sense, but it does to me.  Imagine, you are the boss of a company.  Sometimes you have a meeting to go to, or a vacation or a freaking mistress, whatever.  But if the boss has to leave, he needs someone to take over in his place and run things.  He needs complete confidence in that person to handle everything in the exact way that he himself would.  And that support person also has to be happy in their number two role so that there is no power struggle. 

 I feel like a squirrel who can’t find his nut.  My nut is happiness.  I can’t find it.  And I do not think a baby will be my happiness.  It might help, but I should be able to find my happiness without that.  I miss having fun.  I wish I could fix this.  But I also wish there was someone who could just “save” me.  Pick me up, out of this darkness, and show me where my happiness is.  I put up such a great front that no one knows how sad I actually am or can be.  I know that this feeling will pass.  It is just hard to deal with it when it is here.  And I can’t drink.  And I can’t smoke.  No drugs.  No risky activities.  Just work, then home. 

 Sorry for the depressing post.  It just feels good to let it out.  I don’t have any close confidants where I can be truthful and myself.  My husband of course, but sometimes, he just doesn’t get it.  I have a therapist, but then she became our marriage counselor.  I figured, I talked about my husband during our sessions any way, why not just have him join.  Now I lost that confidant to confide in.  We were never going to separate or anything like that, I just thought it would be nice to have a neutral party for us both to talk to and to help us talk through some things.  Except I feel like she takes his side in EVERYTHING.  Even when I said I had the extreme anger and bitchiness because of, ya know, ALL OF THE FERTILITY DRUGS coursing through my veins at all times for the past year, she still found a way to blame me. 

 Well that was quite a tangent.  I feel like I haven’t really written in months but now I don’t want to stop.  I know that depression is a side effect of Infertility.  Not for medical reasons, but because of all of the stress.  The physical, mental and emotional stress.  The stress that no one in my entire life understands.  I am not one for self-pity.  I like to fix things.  I just can’t fix myself.  


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. barrenbetty
    Oct 03, 2013 @ 17:02:49

    I think this will resonate with a lot of people. I can certainly relate to how you feel… And infertility can completely take over your life. It is everything, your job, your focus, your hobby. There is not much time for having fun when you are fighting infertility. Not much time for friends and holidays. Not much money either cos it’s effing expensive. Hang in there. It will get better (at least I tell myself that often enough!) xx


  2. Becky
    Oct 03, 2013 @ 20:15:07

    I can relate. I went through the same thing in June. Just incredibly sad and depressed. Nothing made me happy. If I could have crawled in a hole and disappeared, I would have. I realized I wasn’t even “me” anymore. I don’t even know how I got out of it, but I just remember thinking to myself that this unhappy person wasn’t who I wanted to be and that I was done feeling that way. I threw myself into something I enjoy and get gratification from (animal rescue) and I feel a lot better. It’s amazing how a state of mind can affect all of you- mentally, emotionally, physically. Hang in there!


    • jaygore
      Oct 10, 2013 @ 15:32:18

      I always have found that I have to FORCE myself out of bed and out of the house if I am depressed. The activity will usually bring me out of it. But it is for sure that doing nothing hurts more. I am better now, probably because of all of the crap I have had going on, non IF related! xx I hope you are doing well!


  3. newtoivf
    Oct 04, 2013 @ 05:34:08

    sorry you’re feeling so low – this is such a tough, shitty journey xx


  4. PCOS and Paleo
    Oct 04, 2013 @ 23:35:11

    I would really love to private message you with an invite to a private facebook support group. They are AMAZING and there are so many there feeling as you do. Most have had multiples cycles and are a wealth of experience. Let me know if you’re interested. Ok, seriously I’m done stalking you. I just feel like we’re having such similar experiences, and I want to help you if I can. It’s a lonely and shitty journey, so if you want a tribe of women who have been there and some that are still struggling, I’ve got a place for you.


  5. Thumbalina
    Oct 05, 2013 @ 13:52:39

    I’m sorry — this really is the worst thing about infertility. I don’t think people realize that it’s not just being barren, but its about the feeling of emptiness and sadness of it all. I swear my marriage started to disintegrate, and I was so full of piss and vinegar I could hardly stand my self and the anger that was at a constant ache inside of me. Maybe it’s a bit premature, but I washed my hands of it all. I dont want to do it any more. I miss my life and the love I had with my husband. I miss laughing and not being so miserable — being miserable is exhausting! My husband is back home now, after 7 long months of being away, and we have decided to not pursue fertility treatments now that he’s back. We know we will not get pregnant by not doing them, but it’s a decision that I had to make to save myself, my marriage, my sanity and overall my life.

    Infertility treatments felt like gambling — you never know when enough is enough, and you always wonder if the next ‘spin’ will make you hit the jackpot….Do you go for it? Or will you walk away with less than you started with? It seems like a vicious circle, which leaves you always guessing and never satisfied. I know this decision isn’t for everyone, but it has certainly helped me out for the time being. Maybe in a couple years it could change?

    I’m sorry, I am sure the last think you want to hear is that “it’s going to be okay”, because I know in your world it doesn’t feel like it. You feel like it will never be okay. I just hope that you can find something that will bring you peace. If you ever feel so bold, you should check out the DINK Life, website. It’s a site for couples (Double Income No Kids) go to plan dates and outing and trips together… many couples choose not to have children, and some couples simple were unable too, but reading their forums, helps remind me, that my life with my husband will be okay, hell it might even be wicked fun, with a life we are destined to have.


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