Day 3 of Stims

Day 3.  I do not feel many if any side effects.  Tired, but I also have been going to bed super late.  On the emotional side, sigh.  I don’t know what it is.  I’m not in a depression, just more of a fog.  I just can’t connect with my hubby.  It’s like I’m watching a movie about him and can only see him from afar.  I don’t think this is because of infertility or because of any issues between us.  It’s been like this since the surgery.  It was not easy on either of us, emotionally or physically.  When I am in pain, I get angry and we both hurt a lot during that time.  The love was there the entire time and I know we are stronger now because of all of it.  Many couples would not get through what we did.  I am very thankful for our love.  But I wish he was stronger.  I am the caretaker of everyone in my life.  And I am okay with that.  But when I was incapacitated, there was no one to completely take over for me.  To carry me.  I guess I haven’t gotten over that.  I haven’t reconnected with my hubby since then.  We are still connected, but I just mean on that level before.  I feel like I am still in this far away fog.  I see his love and I feel the love for him, I just need to bring myself to the present and enjoy it.  I think we need a weekend getaway with an electronics fast.  Just us, and no other worries.

Honestly, not even sure how much I have thought about the IVF.  I feel distant from that too.  I think I am avoiding the hope feelings.  I still hope and believe that this time, it will work and I will get pregnant.  I just try really hard not to dwell on it.  I instead try to focus on things that I can sort of control.  Researching the meds I’m on and what others have done for success.  But I haven’t thought about baby names, clothes, furniture, adorable chubby cheeks.  I just can’t let myself.

I’m okay, just a bit melancholy because everyone at work is in a shitty mood and no one talks to me.  It’s like high school all over again, except I didn’t flirt with anyone’s boyfriend, so I don’t get understand the cold shoulder.

So ANYWAY!  Does anyone have any experience with Menopur and IVF?  Did it work for you?  How long did you stim for?



Right after this post, I decided I couldn’t sit at my desk any longer, I needed a walk.  So I did.  Across the street from my job, they built a Petsmart and a Buy Buy Baby.  It opened right at the beginning of my fertility treatments.  I could never bring myself to go in.  I always see the stay at home expectant moms rushing in and out.  Sometimes with kids already in their arms.  For some reason today (Maybe it’s because I’m in Chicago and it’s like 40 degrees here and I was FREEZING), I decided to go in.  I needed to conquer that fear, that superstition.  So I did.  Then I got self conscious because I didn’t even have my purse on me and I wasn’t looking for anything in particular.  Just browsing.  Browsing what could be.  Browsing what could already be set into motion.  I didn’t fully imagine it all, but I did let myself enjoy the feeling of what may happen.  The happiness, the joy, the shopping!  I just let myself enjoy it.  I stayed for about 10 minutes and then quietly slipped out.


Day One of Menopur

Close call tonight. I almost saw pictures from one of my EX friend’s baby shower. Twins. Glad she finally got her babies, but makes me sick to think of seeing that happiness. Jealous happiness I call it. Sorry, I just needed to vent for a moment.

On the bright side, I am starting my Menopur shots tonight. I have to do it within the next 4 hours. Wish me luck!

First 30 min after the shot:

Didn’t hurt.  The shot, the meds going in or the injection site afterwards.  But, about 10 minutes later, my throat is getting a bit dry and my eyes too.  Not terribly so, but noticeably so.  Head feels only slightly detached.

What did you choose?



Day 1 (Sort of)

I have been meaning to post.  No really!  I have just gotten busy at work since my boss decided to get married and leave me in charge for a week.  Managing a bunch of high schoolers is what I feel like I am dealing with.  Don’t take the day off, tell me you are so sick and then spend the entire day playing Final Fantasy online where people can see you.  And don’t say you have a headache, leave in the middle of the day and then post on facebook about how much you hate your job and just can’t be there any more.  (This person submitted their resignation a few days later).  

But on the infertility front, not much movement.  They finally got my cycle approved through the insurance (a bit of lag time since they are about to switch locations and are packing up everything.  WHY ME) and then they needed medical clearance from my psychiatrist.  So they called me on Friday to let me know to stop the BCPs on 10/15 which is today.  I am supposed to start stimming on 10/20 with Menopur.  I say supposed to because I STILL haven’t heard from the pharmacy about sending out my meds.  I called the doctor’s office today and the nurses said they requested it today.  I really really really hate it when people are inept or lazy at their jobs.  I’m pretty sure most women who go through IVF are educated and have some sense of this process.  So I don’t know how nurses get away with forgetfullness sometimes.

Anyway!  I have never used Menopur, so I am a bit nervous about that.  My first IVF cycle, which was cancelled due to OHSS, I used Lupron for a couple of weeks and then Follistim to stim.  I HATED the Lupron.  Headaches, Nausea and Hot Flashes.  CONSTANTLY.  I know my husband will be happy lol.  

My calendar (which I haven’t received yet, only heard about) has my possible Retrieval date as 10/31/13.  I KNOW, RIGHT?!!!  Would be kind of an awesome story to tell our child 🙂

I have no more sick days left at work, so I will have to get creative with my time off for the rest of the year.  I am also trying to continue to eat better.  The Paleo diet has recently been brought to my attention, I am still trying to get my husband on board.  I know it would be something we both have to do for it to be successful.  I have already started trying to limit my carb and gluten intake.  

I am in a MUCH better mood than I have been in past weeks.  I am by no means giddy, but the melancholy has lifted a bit.  I guess I have also just not been thinking about TTC.  I am not sure if it is because it has just become a normal part of our lives (to be a hormonal pin cushion) or if it because I am scared to think about it.  I don’t think it is because I don’t care.  I just really am scared to get my hopes up.  Now, this does not mean I am thinking negatively.  I fully believe and hope this IVF cycle will be successful, I am just scared to be let down.  

A Squirrel Who Lost It’s Nuts……

I don’t know.  I’m just so gloomy and sad lately.  No idea why.  I mean, I know this has been the hardest year of my life, but I think all of the stress that I overcame has hit me and turned into sadness.  I don’t feel joy from anything, especially things that used to make me happy.  I hate to be touched.  Or engaged in conversation.  Everything annoys me.

 I have struggled with depression and Bipolar II all of my life.  I was doing so well for so long, but I think this past year has finally broken me.  I know this post sounds bad, it really isn’t.  There isn’t anything wrong with my life.  But when I am melancholy like this, I find fault in every little thing.  I don’t know how to “snap” out of it.  For so long, I was the strong one.  Not even by choice, but because no one else was able to.  Or because I had the pressure put on me.  And so I broke.  This happened in college.  I was under so much stress to be perfect, in school and in a terrible relationship, and then I hurt my back.  The pain was unbearable and I started to gain weight.  My life spiraled from there.  The only thing that got me out of that was meeting my husband.  Gave me something to look forward to.  In the future.  

I know that having a child is something wonderful to look forward to, but because of our infertility, it can’t just be something spontaneous and wonderful.  Instead it is a lot of work.  I am not necessarily complaining.  I am very grateful for everything that we have available to us.  But I am the kind of person that becomes completely invested in something important to me.  I will research it to the ends of what I can find.  Sometimes I have to stop myself from researching every little thing.  But I can’t give up control. 

 I know that control is a big issue for me.  I want to have control but I also want the option to give up control when I feel I can’t handle it.  It doesn’t sound like it makes sense, but it does to me.  Imagine, you are the boss of a company.  Sometimes you have a meeting to go to, or a vacation or a freaking mistress, whatever.  But if the boss has to leave, he needs someone to take over in his place and run things.  He needs complete confidence in that person to handle everything in the exact way that he himself would.  And that support person also has to be happy in their number two role so that there is no power struggle. 

 I feel like a squirrel who can’t find his nut.  My nut is happiness.  I can’t find it.  And I do not think a baby will be my happiness.  It might help, but I should be able to find my happiness without that.  I miss having fun.  I wish I could fix this.  But I also wish there was someone who could just “save” me.  Pick me up, out of this darkness, and show me where my happiness is.  I put up such a great front that no one knows how sad I actually am or can be.  I know that this feeling will pass.  It is just hard to deal with it when it is here.  And I can’t drink.  And I can’t smoke.  No drugs.  No risky activities.  Just work, then home. 

 Sorry for the depressing post.  It just feels good to let it out.  I don’t have any close confidants where I can be truthful and myself.  My husband of course, but sometimes, he just doesn’t get it.  I have a therapist, but then she became our marriage counselor.  I figured, I talked about my husband during our sessions any way, why not just have him join.  Now I lost that confidant to confide in.  We were never going to separate or anything like that, I just thought it would be nice to have a neutral party for us both to talk to and to help us talk through some things.  Except I feel like she takes his side in EVERYTHING.  Even when I said I had the extreme anger and bitchiness because of, ya know, ALL OF THE FERTILITY DRUGS coursing through my veins at all times for the past year, she still found a way to blame me. 

 Well that was quite a tangent.  I feel like I haven’t really written in months but now I don’t want to stop.  I know that depression is a side effect of Infertility.  Not for medical reasons, but because of all of the stress.  The physical, mental and emotional stress.  The stress that no one in my entire life understands.  I am not one for self-pity.  I like to fix things.  I just can’t fix myself.