Seesaw

I got my period. On my own. The doctor wanted me to take the Provera to bring on my late period, but it came on it’s own on Friday. So now I am back on the BCP. Generess? It is low estrogen and super expensive (Yay Dr. Samples!). It hasn’t given me a headache *knock on wood* and everything else feels okay. I guess since the surgery, I just feel depressed. Not sad, just depressed. I keep trying to fake it til I make it, but it doesn’t work. Even my sex life is bleh. I just can’t get my head into it. I always feel disconnected to everything. It probably doesn’t help that I was off my mood stabilizers for almost 2 months. I just started taking it again and am starting to feel better.

I miss having fun. I have a new friend at work. She is a funny and slightly bitchy (but in a good way) receptionist at my job. It’s nice to have a female friend again, although that has never ended well for me in the past. Normal women don’t get me or my sense of humor usually. Or maybe it is because I am not girly. I can be girly, and I sure as hell am not a tomboy, but I just don’t give a shit about shoes or Prada purses. I am feminine but I also love a dirty joke. Mostly because I am the one telling them.

My husband has been constantly supportive to the best of his ability. He will never be Channing Tatum lol and I mean that in reference to the ultra attentive and romantic characters he constantly plays. I am currently mad at him because some chick at work likes to text him privately about jokes in the office. I am not and will never be comfortable with my husband having female friends. I just don’t think it is appropriate. Judge me if you want, call me controlling, I know those girls at his job do. But I don’t give a shit. I know not all women are homewreckers, most women aren’t. But I know my husband is an amazing catch and I see the way people look at us and at him. He is handsome, funny and very attentive. Hell, I would steal him from someone. I guess I just don’t think that men and women can be completely platonic friends, and this is from my experience only. And the funny thing is, my husband feels the same way about me having guy friends.

So anyway, that’s been on my mind this morning. But I am trying to let it go. I know my husband loves me. I know that it was just a bad judgement call.

Work is finally picking up since my role changed, which is good because I like to stay busy. I have continued to lose weight, not as fast as when I was in the hospital, but at least it is going down. My job is starting to conduct Weight Watchers meetings and my boss’s boss is in charge of it. They personally invited me (I am on the plus side) but I really don’t want to go. For one, it is $200 for the 19 weeks. I don’t have that kind of money to just throw away. Also, I have done Weight Watchers, it doesn’t work for me. I know what I should and shouldn’t eat. It is all about will power. But I do want to go because I feel like my bosses would be dissappointed if I didn’t. I also think this could be a bonding event that I could get in the circle more with my bosses. Sigh.

We are still going to do the IVF cycle once it is approved again by my insurance. It should be approved by now, but my fertility doc is going through his 4th nurse in just 3 months. I almost want to take the job just to make sure it gets done right lol. But in all honesty, I could not take talking to a bunch of hormonal women such as myself all day!

I want a baby. I want a child. A piece of myself and my husband that we can raise to be cooky like us. I am not looking forward to the Lupron and Follistim again. I am not looking forward to Wandy up my vagina every morning along with blood draws. But I want our baby. I just have to keep being strong. This process is not easy, physically or emotionally. It takes a lot out of you. I guess that is why I took a little longer after my surgery to get everything started again.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. satoyafoster
    Sep 04, 2013 @ 10:53:42

    I completely understand the feeling. All of the needles, the money, the insurance, the pills…it all gets old. Keep strong! I’ll be reading your posts awaiting the one where you are holding your sweet baby. xoxo

    Reply

  2. jaygore
    Sep 04, 2013 @ 20:15:17

    Thank you! I have been gone so long, I need to catch up on some blog reading!

    Reply

  3. bebeparler
    Sep 05, 2013 @ 09:23:04

    Great to hear you’re planning another round Jaygore. I know what you mean about your hubbie getting texts from female work colleagues. It would annoy me too! But glad you’re trusting him. You must be quite a catch yourself 😉 Keep the chin up x

    Reply

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