To tell or Not to tell

What do you think?  I don’t tell most people about our infertility treatments for the exact reason of…..PRESSURE.  Like now I have to show results.  Sure, logically I know that I am not doing it for anyone but my family, I feel like if I tell everyone, then they will ask me about it and I will either give them great or horrible news.  After we are pregnant and after I deliver our healthy baby, I will shout it from the rooftops that IVF brought our baby to us.  But I can’t handle the pressure of people knowing before.  And I would also feel like it would almost be jinxing it.  

I am not ashamed of needing assistance for my fertility.  And I do tell key people who I know I can talk to about the good or bad results.  But I don’t want that pressure.



Best way to get over an old RE doctor is to get under a new one!


It is done.  My husband and I took half days at work and we went to see the new RE doctor, in the SAME office as my old RE doctor.  I was looking over my shoulder starting in the parking lot of the medical building.  Like freaking out.  You would think I was cheating on my husband and not my RE doctor.  This continued into the building.  I went as far as to keep the folder of papers I brought, to my face to hide it.  I may sounds like I’m being silly, but I really felt like he would just be really hurt and sad.  He has been nothing but nice to me.  I asked the nurse at the front desk if my old Dr was in the office today and she winked and assured me that he was not.  I have been going to this office for a year now and they are familiar with me as the “other” doctor’s patient.  He only rents their services.  The nurses and the practice are owned by the new Dr.  So they know that I am nervous but they also think I am making the right decision.  So do I.

I started seeing my old Dr 1 year ago this October.  I gave him a year.  I think that is fair.  We have been trying for 2 years.  It has not been easy or fun.  But of course all of you are familiar with the life of an infertile.

So, being the over prepared patient that I always have been, I had already filled out all of the new patient forms and emailed them back to the nurses.  That’s another thing that I love about this new doctor.  My old Dr did NOTHING by email and it was all by his or his nurse’s memory.  The nurse would call me BACK from her car and blame that on why she didn’t have my results.  I’m like….WHAT?! But I got used to it.  But this Dr’s nurses email me documents and send them back with my scanned signature just for my records.  They also answer questions by email which is perfect.

We went back for our consult and I was immediately comfortable with the doctor.  But, I also know that I have a habit of being a know it all due to all of my accredited Googling.  But I have read so much about how this doctor is an innovator in the field and creates an IVF plan custom fitted for each patient.  And that is exactly what he went on to explain.  With a complete drawing of the reproductive system!  He was very detailed.

I can’t remember all of it, and I felt it might be disrespectful to sit through it and take notes.  But he went over a lot of our medical history.  Polypectomy, Back Surgery, Type II Diabetes and Depression.  He then asked me how quickly I could get down to 180lbs.  Let’s just say, I would have a ways to go.  Not sure if he was joking or not, but that got me super scared that he was going to deny me as a patient because of my weight.  Luckily, he didn’t.  He was very concerned that I may have PCOS.  I have been begging doctors for the past 3 years to test for it and they always give a bandaid like Metformin or even worse, just tell me not to worry about it.  I don’t have any outward symptoms other than a belly and the diabetes.  But due to my irregular periods, I was always worried about it.  So this doctor will test for PCOS and Cystic Fibrosis.  I think he also wants the two of us to get Sickle Cell tests.

He told me not to worry about my old RE doctor.  He specifically said that he would talk to him personally.  He said that they have worked together for years and know that they would never steal patients from one another.  Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  I was very careful not to badmouth his colleague.  Even in the slightest.  I just said that it had been a year and I still haven’t been successful.  I also mentioned that I was disappointed by my first IVF cycle that was cancelled due to overstimulation.  I let him know that I also felt it was also because the old doctor was going through so many staff changes.  He seemed satisfied by that and wanted to help.

He wants me to stop the BCP immediately to bring on my period.  Then I will go on for a baseline ultrasound, b/w and A1c at the end of the week as long as I get my period within the next few days.  Fingers crossed!  Then, I will start the BCP again for two weeks while the insurance approves the new cycle.  That would end up being around 10/20/13.  Then, instead of the Long Lupron cycle that I did last time, he wants to do a shorter cycle with Menopur and a Lupron Trigger.  Oh and he also only wants to implant 1 embryo.

If ANYONE has done this or has any advice on it, PLEASE let me know.  I have not researched this yet and I haven’t found enough information on it.  The doctor believes that since I overstimmed on Follistim, the Menopur would be a better solution.  He was very concerned with OHSS which is why he wanted to do the Lupron Trigger.

I am comfortable with this doctor and I am confident in him.  I’m still super nervous.  I’m jumping back into this.  Not saying that I am rushing into it or anything.  It’s just after 3 months of NOT being on fertility meds for the first time in probably a year, I am nervous about the shots, emotions and well, you know….EVERYTHING!


Women Can’t Afford to Delay Having Children. Please Stop Telling Us Otherwise.

Which is precisely why I didn’t listen to that doctor 2 years ago who told me to just try for a year and come back just because I was 27 at the time.

Goodbye? Hello!

So I’m sure some of you (maybe 1 or 2) might remember my struggles with my RE doctor and his difficulty in keeping a nurse. His first one was barely competent and it was always something being missed or forgotten. And I was in the middle of taking my stimulating drugs and being monitored when his original nurse left. Then I over stimulated. I always had a nagging feeling that the two were related. But it became a blessing since I needed emergency back surgery just a few weeks later.

So now I have been trying to get started on a new cycle. Come to find out, my doctor has gone through 2 more nurses since then and he has been doing all the paperwork etc. So I started to feel more and more uneasy about his and my situation. I only get 4 chances at full IVF cycles through insurance in Illinois. I want to give myself and our baby the best chance possible. So I considered the unthinkable, breaking up with him. But I am TERRIBLE at breaking up with anyone. Boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, you name it! I really like my quirky doctor. But I always knew that a lot of people didn’t appreciate his humor or get it. I could see by the yelp reviews. But I went through an HSG, Polypectomy, 3 Clomid IUI cycles, and one cancelled IVF cycle (due to the over stimulation) with this doctor. I have put a lot of trust in this man already as well as time and effort. I didn’t want to just throw it all away.

But for the past 2 weeks, I have been the one calling and trying to get the next IVF started. His new nurse (I don’t even fucking know this one’s name) hasn’t “gotten the hang of it” yet so my RE has been taking my calls directly and dealing with the insurance company. He kept explaining to me that the insurance company lost documents all of the time because they received them by fax. So they lost some forms and never cancelled out my old IVF cycle and couldn’t start a new one. But they were switching to digital now, so it should be better he said. Well I had to keep calling everyday to get a status update of NOTHING but new of him just not having the paperwork in front of him.

So you can only imagine my irritation at this point. So I started to research the doctor on the CDC website for IVF statistics. It was in an Excel spreadsheet and since I work with spreadsheets all day at work, it was easy to just pull up the spreadsheet and research it all day without being worried that someone could see I wasn’t working at that moment! The spreadsheets compared every RE doctor in the country and I was able to sort it out to just doctors in Chicago and the cycles they performed on women under 35. My doctor didn’t have low percentage rates, but it had fractions instead. And that was because it was only showing SIX cycles. That was a major red flag to me. Either he was lying about his stats, or just didn’t send them in. The kicker is, the other doctor in his office is a world renowned RE with GLOWING reviews everywhere on the internet and in his statistics. So yeah….

There I was on Friday afternoon, contemplating. Should I leave him? Should I test the waters? How would that work because of insurance? Would my original RE find out? Would he be mad? hurt? insulted? vengeful? I know none of it should matter, but like I said, I like the guy. But I love my family more. So I had my husband call insurance to see how we could make the switch. Then I called the new doctor’s nurse and she let me know what I needed to get in order to get a consult with this doctor (And YES he is accepting new patients which means his old patients are PREGNANT). But what should I do about my old doctor? How do I tell him? So I paged him and waited.

He called me back within an hour. He knows who I am and immediately started telling me about the situation of the new IVF cycle. It couldn’t be started because apparently, he never closed out one of my older IUI cycles! Then he started to go on this whole spiel about how they lost the paperwork and should have notified them and they couldn’t start a new one until he sent in the forms blah blah blah. And I sat there and thought “OMG, this is the sign I was waiting for. This is my chance to get out!”. So I asked him if he had submitted for a new IVF cycle yet and he said no. I then asked if the old cycles were all closed finally, and he said yes. So I immediately told him that my husband and I decided that we wanted to take a break since I used all of my sick time for my back surgery and I know that the IVF would require me to take several days off so we may just want to wait a couple of months. All of this is true except for the wanting to wait until next year. I would prefer to start around November, but he didn’t need to know that. He sounded satisfied with that and told me to call him when I was ready to start again. And I was happy that I didn’t need to lie to him.


I called my GP for a referral and I will call my OBGYN for a referral as well. Because the new doctor has an opening for next week. Wish meluck with the new doctor. I am so nervous, but I am also excited 🙂 The doctor is in the same office as my old one which is bad for obvious reasons but good because the office is so close to my work. Plus my old doctor was rarely in the office unless he had an appt. My husband is excited too. We couldn’t decide if we should make our switch for sure, but when the doctor gave me that out, I knew it was a sign.

I’ll be posting more since I will actually have interesting (at least to me) things to talk about! I hope you are all doing well 🙂

RE Doctor. RE Doctor.

I have always hated the breakup.  But I finally (sorta) got up the nerve.  More to come.  Sleep now 🙂

Aisha Tyler and her fertility struggle

Loved her before and now I have a whole new kind of love for her. So brave!

I'm standing on the line of giving up and seeing how much more I can take

Please click on the video link to view the video.

This is the platform that people should be seeing. When people who know nothing about infertility see Jimmy Fallon and all the success stories, that is all they know. They do not see the other side when the treatments do not work. It is a very private struggle that so few share because it is so personal.

I appreciate her so much in sharing her story including the part about spending all of the money(even though I am sure they have it) because no one understands the drain on your wallet, your mind, your body and your marriage unless they have gone through it.

It was a little hard for me to watch her try to talk because that’s exactly how I feel all the time. Trying to talk while holding the tears back is the biggest hurdle I…

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Wandy would never rape anyone!

This pisses me off.  If you were having abdominal pain, they were just trying to help.  ARGH


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