Quick Note

I know I need to post.  I just, don’t know what to say.  I feel like I am stuck in limbo and everyone else is in the game.  Win or lose.  I’m just doing nothing.  Just taking BCP and Provera.  My “old follicles” are still measurable.  After what, 2 or 3 weeks?!  I don’t even count on the calendar anymore.  I’m starting to not give a fuck.  I have lost a lot of faith in my RE and the clinic.  His new nurse is a fucking idiot.  And whenever I talk to either of them, neither of them have my chart in front of them.  Is this why my first cycle was cancelled?  Why weren’t they monitoring me more?  Why did the overstimulation happen? Maybe if the doctor had my fucking chart then he would have noticed my levels.  Maybe if the fucking techs weren’t imbeciles, they would have measured correctly and I still could have done the retrieval.  I only like the girl on MWF.  T TH bitch can go suck on a vaginal ultrasound wand (NO LUBE).  I went on a Monday and my follicles looked great, then super young T TH bitch measured and her numbers came up smaller!!?  That is impossible!  Then, Wednesday lady gave my new numbers and SOMEHOW the follicle that the girl said was 17 was 23!!!!!!  What the fuck?!  

But what can I do?  I can’t complain.  I can’t say, “You don’t know what the fuck you are doing”!  Because I guess I technically don’t.  But I do have common fucking sense.  I’m just angry and bitter right now.  I wish I could say I am strong, but I am not.  I see all of you wonderful ladies going through your first IVFs and being successful while I feel like I dropped out in the first half.  I feel jealousy and then guilt because I really am happy for all of you, I just feel like shit.  I don’t feel the happiness or hopefullness.  Just anger at my doctors and my situation.  Each of your BFPs means that it really does happen 🙂

Oh, and somehow my dumb ass volunteered for more work.  I don’t know why.  I guess because I want them to see I can handle it.  Not sure if I can.  It’s more responsibility.  I can’t drink, smoke or do drugs?  Where is my vice to help me cope?  Or do I have to actually examine my feelings??  Fuck that.  I need distractions.

So that is where I am now.  Dr. is supposed to call me back tomorrow w/ the results of my ultrasound this morning.  Dumb ass nurse.  She forgot to send in my u/s order for this morning so I had to wait for that.  And then, by 6pm, she still hadn’t send the Dr. the results of his patients.  He covered for her and said the clinic lost it.  I was fucking there.  AHHHHH I love my dr.  He is quirky and sarcastic.  But does he know his shit?  Will he help me get pregnant?  Should I look for a new RE?  I am sick of feeling like I am on a conveyor belt or on an assembly line, “One size fits most”.  

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jaygore
    Jun 25, 2013 @ 21:06:57

    Okay…I guess that wasn’t such a quick note 🙂

    Reply

  2. IVFfervescent gal
    Jun 25, 2013 @ 21:17:48

    Gosh, that sounds so frustrating. How absolutely crap. I had no idea that could even happen. My heart goes out to you. I hope limbo doesn’t last too much longer.

    Reply

  3. barrenbetty
    Jun 26, 2013 @ 01:46:00

    I’m so sorry, that really is so frustrating. My first cycle got cancelled after 6 weeks of drugging it up because I didn’t respond to the drugs properly (nurse told me it happened to about 1 in 40 people at their clinic). I didn’t get as far as you did with the stims, but God I was devastated when they cancelled it and I had to start all the way back at the beginning. I realised I didn’t have any particular hopes pinned on it working exactly, but I was certainly counting down the days to at least giving it a try. Is changing clinics for you an option? Your post made me sad, but I have to confess “bitch can go suck a vaginal ultrasound wand” made me lolz all over my breakfast xxx

    Reply

  4. newtoivf
    Jun 26, 2013 @ 03:45:12

    So sorry hon, don’t feel bad for any feelings you have, totally natural xx

    Reply

  5. missymakes
    Jun 26, 2013 @ 06:33:37

    Im so sorry. In my opinion, it’s time to at least schedule an appointment with your RE to ask those very same “how did this happen” questions. If it were me, I’d start researching other clinics. This process is stressful enough as it is. You deserve to have a doc you can put your faith in.

    Reply

  6. lydiaseeks
    Jun 26, 2013 @ 08:22:56

    Ugh. Feeling like your clinic is messing up with your case is the WORST. I would for sure schedule a sit down with the doctor and express your concerns about the shitty nurse (maybe leave out the part about the wand, but that was priceless). For your own piece of mind I’d also look into other clinics. You still might decide to stay where you are, but you might feel better after seeing what else is out there. Hang in there! *insert picture of kitten hanging off tree limb*

    Reply

  7. Thumbalina
    Jun 26, 2013 @ 19:46:49

    Aye! It sounds like my Dr! I had him for three months, before I stopped going. He never called. He never knew what was going on. When he did call, he’d call at 10 pm at night, and ask me to “recap what we did last time”. He’d ask me questions like “so how far along are you?” and I’d have to tell him I’m not along at all…. He was nice, and he seemed like he really wanted to help, but he wasn’t aggressive enough in my opinion. He never did an ultra sound, he never checked blood work — he just through me on 100 MG of clomid and told me to have fun, and that ” a girl your age should have no problem, this should work”. *sigh* considering I’ve been trying for three years with a history of Clomid, clearly there is a problem at “My age”.
    I DID however hear through the grapevine from some of my older friends, about a Dr. in Naperville who can get ANYONE pregnant! I am thinking about switching to him when the hubby gets back in October/November. It might be a treck for you if you are in the City, but if you ever want to try someone new, let me know, he has a fantastic track record for being the best!

    Reply

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