Quick Note

I know I need to post.  I just, don’t know what to say.  I feel like I am stuck in limbo and everyone else is in the game.  Win or lose.  I’m just doing nothing.  Just taking BCP and Provera.  My “old follicles” are still measurable.  After what, 2 or 3 weeks?!  I don’t even count on the calendar anymore.  I’m starting to not give a fuck.  I have lost a lot of faith in my RE and the clinic.  His new nurse is a fucking idiot.  And whenever I talk to either of them, neither of them have my chart in front of them.  Is this why my first cycle was cancelled?  Why weren’t they monitoring me more?  Why did the overstimulation happen? Maybe if the doctor had my fucking chart then he would have noticed my levels.  Maybe if the fucking techs weren’t imbeciles, they would have measured correctly and I still could have done the retrieval.  I only like the girl on MWF.  T TH bitch can go suck on a vaginal ultrasound wand (NO LUBE).  I went on a Monday and my follicles looked great, then super young T TH bitch measured and her numbers came up smaller!!?  That is impossible!  Then, Wednesday lady gave my new numbers and SOMEHOW the follicle that the girl said was 17 was 23!!!!!!  What the fuck?!  

But what can I do?  I can’t complain.  I can’t say, “You don’t know what the fuck you are doing”!  Because I guess I technically don’t.  But I do have common fucking sense.  I’m just angry and bitter right now.  I wish I could say I am strong, but I am not.  I see all of you wonderful ladies going through your first IVFs and being successful while I feel like I dropped out in the first half.  I feel jealousy and then guilt because I really am happy for all of you, I just feel like shit.  I don’t feel the happiness or hopefullness.  Just anger at my doctors and my situation.  Each of your BFPs means that it really does happen 🙂

Oh, and somehow my dumb ass volunteered for more work.  I don’t know why.  I guess because I want them to see I can handle it.  Not sure if I can.  It’s more responsibility.  I can’t drink, smoke or do drugs?  Where is my vice to help me cope?  Or do I have to actually examine my feelings??  Fuck that.  I need distractions.

So that is where I am now.  Dr. is supposed to call me back tomorrow w/ the results of my ultrasound this morning.  Dumb ass nurse.  She forgot to send in my u/s order for this morning so I had to wait for that.  And then, by 6pm, she still hadn’t send the Dr. the results of his patients.  He covered for her and said the clinic lost it.  I was fucking there.  AHHHHH I love my dr.  He is quirky and sarcastic.  But does he know his shit?  Will he help me get pregnant?  Should I look for a new RE?  I am sick of feeling like I am on a conveyor belt or on an assembly line, “One size fits most”.  

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Dream say what?!

Just a quick post since I have a conf call in 4 minutes.  

I had a dream last night that I vividly remember running to the Operating Room in the hospital getting ready for my Egg Retrieval.  Then, when the nurse couldn’t find my name, I remembered that my cycle was cancelled.  I walked out of the hospital feeling not defeated but just kind of silly for not remembering…..

Limbo

I’m still here.  I just wanted to check in.  Doctor put me on Provera and BCP to help shrink the old follicles.  Going in for another scan early next week.  It is pretty nice NOT being nauseous on all the shots for the first time in what feels like forever.

I realize that I am kind of lonely, but with that loneliness, I realize that I am comforted by the fact that there is no drama that friends always seem to bring along with them.  There are a few ladies who I follow on here who live in or near Chicago and my hubby has asked why I don’t try to hang out with any of them.  I don’t know to be honest.  Maybe because I know how we all feel when a friend get pregnant.  I wouldn’t want to work on a friendship just to have only one of us be successful and it fall apart.  Does that make sense?  But at the same time, I think most of us on here completely understand and are sympathetic if another one of us gets our BFP.  But then again, anonymity has it’s perks 🙂 I love it that I really don’t know anyone who reads my deepest and weirdest thoughts!

Off to sleep I go.  I took yesterday off to rest and ended up working the entire day from home.  It is great to know that I am needed at work and am very appreciated.  I think my job will be changing in the near future for the better?? Or maybe just a hella lot more stress.  But I will be asking for a raise, I just don’t know how much yet.  I have to be stealth about it!  Ninja of negotiations.  

Bittersweet

Today was SUPPOSED to be the first day that I could take a home pregnancy test after the ER and ET that I was supposed to have.  I was really looking forward to surprising my husband on Father’s Day with a BFP.  But what if it had been a BFN?  I probably would have been just that much more crushed.  And any day that I get a BFP will be the most glorious day ever.  I don’t need some sentimental holiday for a BFP.  I’ll take a random Tuesday afternoon!

My cramping has gone down to almost nothing which is great and means that I don’t have a hernia.  But my old follicles won’t go down.  They are just hanging on.  But I didn’t ovulate since I started the BCP immediately after we cancelled.  But the BCP aren’t helping so the dr put me on Provera.  He was really concerned that I would have breakthrough bleeding and spotting and that I could take some estrogen if it bothered me.  He has told me this twice and I keep laughing each time.  I tell him that he has had me do many many more things that were more of an inconvenience.  He said it bothers some women.  My period has never bothered me or my husband.  Even when we were dating.  Ya just throw a towel down and get to business if you know what I mean.

Anyway!  Off to dinner with the in laws to Benihana.  I have been contemplating telling them about IVF.  I know they are curious about our trying and why I have been a moody, bitchy recluse lately.  We will see how the mood is.  I do know that they would be supportive.  And I need rides to RE appts sometimes 🙂

Happy Father’s day to all our Dads!

If its not one thing…

I have been in a lot of pain for the past two days. I just thought it was the remnants of the ohss. The tech told me this morning that my ovaries are barely enlarged and my RE said that my E2 levels are completely normal. But it causes me pain to sit, stand, lay down and pee. And the pain only gets worse as the day goes on. I pretty sure it’s a hernia caused by the pressure inside my abdomen during the Follistim.

Why can’t I just not hurt or be sick? Just be and feel normal. My RE just said to take OTC pain meds and go back for an ultrasound on Friday. If I am still in pain, I will let him know he needs to check for it. And maybe I should call my GP? I really want to start another round of IVF so I don’t want this to be a hernia.

I guess nothing has ever been easy in my life, so why would IVF. I’m not depressed, just annoyed.

If you DON’T try and DON’T succeed…..

So my first ultrasound after my cancelled IVF cycle is tomorrow.  I’m doing ok.  I am trying not to think about what I would be doing now if everything had gone to plan.  (I would have either done the 3 day transfer yesterday or tomorrow for the 5 day)  My RE, husband and mother were all expecting me to be absolutely crushed on Friday and were shocked when they heard me act normal and make jokes.  Wednesday I was a mess.  I think I already let this cycle go on Wednesday when he first told me of the possibility.  I cried and let it go.  But honestly….it’s because I feel like we never even got to try.  I feel even better than if I had gotten a BFN.  I would have felt worse if we had pushed forward and then the IVF wasn’t successful, I would have regretted it.  This way, we just wasted a month. 

The only thing I have been able to think about is how NOT sick I have been feeling.  I have not felt good like this since before Lupron!  It’s so easy to forget what it is like to feel normal.  I do still have a spacey feeling with my so called “blonde moments”, but I don’t feel like throwing up or throwing my computer against a wall.  I do still feel tenderness in my tummy and especially during sex.  Sex is very uncomfortable.  So that makes me scared that something in there is not going away.  

The RE wants me to get a vaginal ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow.  He started me on BCP last week and said that he wants to keep track of my follicles going down in size and estridol going back to the normal level.  Because of the tenderness, I am worried about OHSS or even cysts.  I have never had cysts, but it is always a concern with all these fertility meds.

I will let you guys know right after my ultrasound.  Fingers crossed!

This is why I don’t wear gold jewelry…..

This morning’s convo:

Me: Hey Honey, how do you think my new earrings and necklace look?

Lenny: You look like a call girl from Mad Men.

Me: What?! Great, that’s the best look for work. I guess I’ll wear something else.

Lenny: No, I meant that as a good thing! I love them and want to jump you right now.

Me: Not helping babe but I’ll keep them on 😉

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