Strike Three….

Title says it all.  Not pregnant.  Three IUIs and now I am researching IVF.  I think I/we need a rest.  

We somehow agreed to go on a weekend away with my father and his wife.  It was about a 2 hour drive to the time share resort.  We left directly from work and ended up in corn fields.  No call and was almost 2 hours after I asked them to call.  The MOMENT we walked into our room, I received a voicemail.  One bar of service.  I go in the bedroom.  I can tell from the first moment of her voice that it was negative.  I also figured after 30 minutes of no call that it wasn’t positive.  You would think they would be excited to call with good news.  But how would I know?  Sigh.  3 negative calls.  1 every 35 days.  I didn’t call her back.  She said to call her Monday to set up a consultation with the doctor.  She was very understanding in the voicemail.  My husband and I were silent for a few moments alone in the strange room.  I then tried to go back and make small talk with my father and stepmother.  I wanted to run my fist through the television.  I had to get the fuck out of there.  I couldn’t act normal.  I mad some excuse about food and we were out the door back into corn country.  I frantically searched for a water bottle and I quickly swallowed a Clonazepam (Klonopin).  I couldn’t stop crying.  I knew the attack was coming.  I couldn’t stop talking and choking out my disappointments and feelings of failure.  Then, just like a snap of someone’s fingers, I stopped crying.  I think I even cracked a small smile.  I said, “Thank God for that little pill”.  And I don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.  I was friggin serious.  From there we went on my thrifty spending spree at the local Walmart 25 MILES AWAY in the nearest town lol.  Then we found what was the only Sushi place for 50 miles.  That sushi was so goooood.  My husband and I just spent the time talking and joking around.  Driving back in the dark was kinda nerve-racking on a 2-lane highway, but it was also soothing.  

This entire month has been, without any exaggeration, the most stressful month of my life. My job’s workload has become impossible and when I actually tried to talk to my boss about it, she snapped at me and made me feel like I was rude for saying so.  That was the moment I stopped giving a fuck.  I used to love my job.  What I did, the office, the clients, everything.  Now I abhor it.  And if someone will tell me in one breath to always come to her with my concerns and in the same breath berate me for doing exactly that? Fuck that shit is what my mind said.  What if the IUIs didn’t work because of stress from work?  I would, yeah.  Ya’ll know what I would want to do.  😉

And because of all of this stress, I became more stressed and my intimate (emotional and physical) time with my husband was replaced by me either being a zombie or an angry zombie.  That was all solved this weekend.  After I got the negative result, I felt a weight lifted and I just said fuck it.  And even though my father was feet away in the common room of the condo, we fucked 3 times in 2 days.  IT WAS AWESOME!  It had been a week for us and my husband was humping me in Walmart lol.  It made me feel sexy and wanted and I wanted to do him right there in Lawn and Garden.  We laughed and joked and cuddled.  It was exactly what we both needed.  My husband even came home and cleaned!  And that was after our “Just got home” sex!

So now I have been researching IVF like crazy.  I know a lot about it but it was always a far off thing that I hoped we wouldn’t need.  Sigh.  My husband and I are thinking about taking 2 or 3 months off to just take a break from all the treatments.  I might ask if we can just do monitored natural cycles.  But we do need a break.  Plus, we are both 29.  No huge clock is ticking, just a constant longing for our child.  Then, when we choose to do the IVF cycle, I will make sure to take a few days off of work to just relax.

Now for work tomorrow.  Not a fuck to be given.  Maybe I’ll just blog more at work 😉


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. o3broken
    Apr 14, 2013 @ 21:36:07

    We are going to have to hang out more often so I can aid your husband in keeping your mind free and clear 🙂


  2. Isabel
    Apr 15, 2013 @ 10:48:56

    I am sorry that it hasn’t worked out for you yet. I identify with so much of what you have said. The anxiety, stress and the pressure infertility can put in a relationship is sometimes almost too much to bear. I am glad that you have found that balance again with your husband.

    My husband and I are going to start IVF next month. It’s scary but what else is there to do, you know? We have also three failed IUIs under our belt so I feel you.

    Good luck in your journey!


  3. bebeparler
    Apr 16, 2013 @ 03:24:30

    Taking a break is a good idea. And if you do decide to go for IVF definitely take time off work for it. Hugs


  4. Meg
    Apr 16, 2013 @ 23:28:21

    I am so sorry. 😦 😦 😦
    I’m sure that you guys will come up with a good plan for moving forward, and I really hope it works for you! ❤


  5. fiffola
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 22:41:43

    Hi there, reading your blog has made me feel less like I am alone. I started writing mine so that I can try to see the funny side of all we are going through. I hope we will both have some great news to share soon… We are not alone!


  6. fertilitydreams
    Apr 19, 2013 @ 14:19:35

    So sorry it was a bfn. I’m moving onto ivf too and understand that feeling that is is miles away. Also the hope we wouldn’t ever need to get there either. A rest sounds good, we had one before our 3rd attempt and honestly it was amazing. We felt young and care free again the best dose of medicine ever! Good luck with whatever you both decide x


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: