Your Wife is Twirling

Husbands and Infertility

I’ve observed my little nieces prancing back and forth in front of my brother-in-law, wearing their flowery new dress, absolutely glowing with anticipation. “What do you think of my new dress, daddy? What do you think?” I’ve been at church and seen our friend’s daughters faces brighten up when I compliment their little pink and purple frills, ribbons, or buttons. The book For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn helped remind me this year that little girls are hard-wired to want these compliments. They want to be beautiful.

What I didn’t realize until I read the book is that my wife is still that little girl deep down; she desperately desires the affirmation that she’s still just as beautiful as she was twirling in front of her daddy years ago.

Unfortunately, infertility has asked my wife to down truckloads of meds, shoot up blood thinners, and ram who knows…

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Strike Three….

Title says it all.  Not pregnant.  Three IUIs and now I am researching IVF.  I think I/we need a rest.  

We somehow agreed to go on a weekend away with my father and his wife.  It was about a 2 hour drive to the time share resort.  We left directly from work and ended up in corn fields.  No call and was almost 2 hours after I asked them to call.  The MOMENT we walked into our room, I received a voicemail.  One bar of service.  I go in the bedroom.  I can tell from the first moment of her voice that it was negative.  I also figured after 30 minutes of no call that it wasn’t positive.  You would think they would be excited to call with good news.  But how would I know?  Sigh.  3 negative calls.  1 every 35 days.  I didn’t call her back.  She said to call her Monday to set up a consultation with the doctor.  She was very understanding in the voicemail.  My husband and I were silent for a few moments alone in the strange room.  I then tried to go back and make small talk with my father and stepmother.  I wanted to run my fist through the television.  I had to get the fuck out of there.  I couldn’t act normal.  I mad some excuse about food and we were out the door back into corn country.  I frantically searched for a water bottle and I quickly swallowed a Clonazepam (Klonopin).  I couldn’t stop crying.  I knew the attack was coming.  I couldn’t stop talking and choking out my disappointments and feelings of failure.  Then, just like a snap of someone’s fingers, I stopped crying.  I think I even cracked a small smile.  I said, “Thank God for that little pill”.  And I don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.  I was friggin serious.  From there we went on my thrifty spending spree at the local Walmart 25 MILES AWAY in the nearest town lol.  Then we found what was the only Sushi place for 50 miles.  That sushi was so goooood.  My husband and I just spent the time talking and joking around.  Driving back in the dark was kinda nerve-racking on a 2-lane highway, but it was also soothing.  

This entire month has been, without any exaggeration, the most stressful month of my life. My job’s workload has become impossible and when I actually tried to talk to my boss about it, she snapped at me and made me feel like I was rude for saying so.  That was the moment I stopped giving a fuck.  I used to love my job.  What I did, the office, the clients, everything.  Now I abhor it.  And if someone will tell me in one breath to always come to her with my concerns and in the same breath berate me for doing exactly that? Fuck that shit is what my mind said.  What if the IUIs didn’t work because of stress from work?  I would, yeah.  Ya’ll know what I would want to do.  😉

And because of all of this stress, I became more stressed and my intimate (emotional and physical) time with my husband was replaced by me either being a zombie or an angry zombie.  That was all solved this weekend.  After I got the negative result, I felt a weight lifted and I just said fuck it.  And even though my father was feet away in the common room of the condo, we fucked 3 times in 2 days.  IT WAS AWESOME!  It had been a week for us and my husband was humping me in Walmart lol.  It made me feel sexy and wanted and I wanted to do him right there in Lawn and Garden.  We laughed and joked and cuddled.  It was exactly what we both needed.  My husband even came home and cleaned!  And that was after our “Just got home” sex!

So now I have been researching IVF like crazy.  I know a lot about it but it was always a far off thing that I hoped we wouldn’t need.  Sigh.  My husband and I are thinking about taking 2 or 3 months off to just take a break from all the treatments.  I might ask if we can just do monitored natural cycles.  But we do need a break.  Plus, we are both 29.  No huge clock is ticking, just a constant longing for our child.  Then, when we choose to do the IVF cycle, I will make sure to take a few days off of work to just relax.

Now for work tomorrow.  Not a fuck to be given.  Maybe I’ll just blog more at work 😉

One More Day

Should I pee on a stick tonight? I’m so nervous. Petrified. I find out tomorrow if my third IUI worked. Not sure if I can handle anymore bad news. I take the blood test in the morning and then go to work. Then they will call me at 5:00 pm. My husband will already have me in the car. Then we somehow agreed to go to my fathers timeshare with his wife for a fun weekend away. I historically have not taken negative news of this kind well at all. I am so scared. Next step would be IVF. I’m just frantic now with worry. I think I feel cramps, but I don’t know. Usually my cycles are 35 days long and today is day 28. I need to calm down and just sleep. 1 more hour of work to go.

Hate Today

I’m so scared that the extreme amount of stress that I endured today ruined this cycle for me. I always feel my tension in my and and stomach and that’s where it was. Everyone says not to work so hard but it is not an option. I am not ambitious, I just don like to fuck things up and have people pissed. But it’s not worth it if it hurts my chances. I just say at my desk and cried once everyone left. I have no comfort. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don’t know what to do. I have shut down. I’m just going to sleep when I get home. Nothing my husband says makes anything better. He just says he loves me and supports me. I need more than words right now. I’m sad and lost. I wish I could just skip the rest of the work week. That would be amazing. Or if I could work from home. I have to believe and know that nothing bad happened in my body because of the stress. I have to learn to shut people out and not care about work ethic because it is harming me to do it when no one else is. I give up. Infertility is enough stress on its own.

I want to poas



So Many Pregnant Women



Wishing and Hoping

So I took my progesterone blood test this morning. Five minutes to 7:00am and there were already five women ahead of me! They technically don’t start until 7:30am but everyone comes early. But the wait wasn’t too bad. I went in and was chatting with the hot/cold nurse who is either really nice or rude. Today she was really nice. She commented on how busy it was and how she has like 30 women’s blood to draw or something. When she stuck the needle in she said she thinks I am pregnant because it is always the women who are pregnant who she can’t get the vein. Then she had to dig around and did a 90 degree turn and finally found the vein. She repeated the pregnancy feeling and said that she believes I really deserve it. I wanted to cry. One, because it was so nice of her to say that. And two, because I really want it to be true. I don’t want to be afraid of hope this time.

Last night I was so angered by my in-laws that I snapped at them in a very polite way. My father in law is a big guy with a huge ego. He thinks it is funny to poke fun at people and that he is always right. He is an ass. He doesn’t know shit. But anyway, we haven’t shared with them the extent of our TTC journey. They know we have been trying. At one point last year he asked me, AT DINNER, if I knew that women could only get pregnant certain times out of the month. I almost upended that friggin table and the Olive Garden right then and there. When we asked them about the family history because of my husband sperm count and quality issues, he said that he can knock anyone up and never had problems and just was very hurtful.

ANYWAY, because I could go on and on. Last night he started asking us about when we are having kids. Saying things like he isn’t getting younger and we need to just do it already. We need to go home and start making some babies. Then, we gave them a ride to a restaurant and his father kept going. And my husband just sat there driving and silent. It didn’t even phase him. He didn’t stand up for me. So fuck it, I stood up for myself. They know that we have been trying for almost 2 years. I turned around and told them that we are trying very hard but have had some troubles but are working on a baby through scientific means and I would appreciate it if they do not mention pregnancy or his legacy anymore. And when we are pregnant, we will let them know. They went silent. We dropped them off and said our goodbye’s but if my mother in law is any kind of woman, she hopefully tore his ass a new one.

Then as we drove off I became increasingly more angry at my husband. Why didn’t he defend me? He has seen me fall apart at just the sight of a baby, why would he let his father say such mean things? I went on a tirade and made him feel very low, but I was hurt. We made up pretty quickly, but I just felt like he should have protected me. Stuck up for me, for us! Whether it bothered him or not.

So yeah. Oh, and next Friday  my father and his wife invited us out to a timeshare resort for the weekend. Of course this is on the day that I have my pregnancy test. And those days are historically good ones for me. But I didn’t want to turn down my dad, I don’t spend as much time with him as I should. So this will be interesting.

Work is getting better and has slowed down for me, at least for a moment I am caught up 🙂

I hope you are all doing well!


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