Anxious about being Anxious

So, for some reason, I just feel like I am never going to see that positive pregnancy test. It will always be a single line just sitting there, snickering like the girls in high school at lunch. Laughing at me because I am weird. Not normal. Dysfunctional. Broken. Maybe I feel like this is all make believe and I am like a little girl who wishes to get pregnant and we play doctor. But I know nothing is really going to happen.

We are lucky enough that my husband and I don’t feel like we need a baby to complete us. Our family is complete and a baby would make a wonderful blessing. But I just wonder, what if this IUI doesn’t work and then the IVF doesn’t work. Then what? Do we just give up? Is that all there is? Would I have to adopt? That is not a cure for infertility, just a cure for wanting to be a parent. I want to experience pregnancy and feeling that child grow.

I think my doctor could hear it in my voice when he told me about the 2nd failed IUI. He told me that I should just focus on what is next, not all the what if’s. But I can’t. I just don’t know how to feel. Hope? Sadness? Nothing?

Work is not helping. I am so stressed that I am shutting down. I have a bunch of shit to do. About 14 things on my to do list and I haven’t even started. It is 10am. I feel like, I just don’t care or want to see it. I want to hide and fall under the surface. My doctor said I might have to consider anti anxiety medication. And I think she is right. I am way too wound up. I can’t even enjoy being at home alone with my husband because I can’t stop thinking about things I need to do at work, or becoming paranoid about my job and if my boss is mad at me. Or I am freaking out about infertility. Or money. My husband and I spend a shit ton on food just for the two of us. We eat out constantly. But I am too tired to cook when I get home and the thought of it makes me want to punch something. When I get home, honestly, I just like to veg out in front of the TV watching QVC or HSN. It is mindless and I don’t have to think. I can’t even open my computer when I get home because I can’t stand the thought of staring at a computer screen anymore. I stare at one for 10 hours a day.

I have ADD and Bipolar II. I have been taking Wellbutrin for about 2 years and it has helped me leaps and bounds. But I cannot go to the movies, watch a movie at home or even read a book. If you can imagine what an agorophobic feels before they step outside of their house, that is the exact feeling I get when I think about movies or books. I freak out. Even if it is a movie that I promised my husband we would see or a great book that I want to read. This has caused a great many fights between my husband and I. But during couple’s therapy, I mentioned these feelings to my doctor and she said that it is classic anxiety.

Now I know, I am trying to get pregnant so why would I start an anti anxiety drug when I would just have to stop when I get pregnant? I would absolutely LOVE to have that problem. But until then, I need something. I can’t deal with these feelings if I can utilize medication while not pregnant. I will ask my RE and OBGYN before I start anything.

Okay, I have a conference call in 7 minutes that I have NOT prepared for at all. Time to go bullshit my way through. Yay me!


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sarah
    Mar 22, 2013 @ 12:09:38

    I think there are some medications (for depression/anxiety) that you can take while pregnant. I’ve been strongly considering going back on my antidepressant/antianxiety as also. I was doing so well for years, but this infertility shit has really thrown me for a loop. Hugs to you.


  2. bebeparler
    Mar 22, 2013 @ 12:10:01

    Oh God I know what you’re going through Jaygore. I suffer from lots of anxiety too. Not on any medication for it though, struggling on. I’m going to try meditation, they say it’s good for stilling the mind. So many things go through your head, panic at never holding your own child, despair, pain, sadness, I could go on. Just try and live in the moment and hold a quiet thought that you’ll be ok no matter what the outcome. I know how awful it feels!


  3. lennygore
    Mar 23, 2013 @ 10:44:07

    Reblogged this on A Husband's Guide to Artificial Babymakin' and commented:
    My wife just wrote this post on what’s been going on with her since her last attempt with the IUI and now in preparation of our 3rd and last try coming up soon. I don’t want her to give up or be anxious about all this, but I’m not sure what I can do. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!


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