So here I am at work. For some insane reason, I signed up to be the workplace floor safety manager. Well actually, the woman who was supposed to be had a huge meeting come up. I don’t suck up in the obvious traditional way, no, I like to volunteer to extra work to hopefully get extra credit around review time. Does that make sense? I don’t know if it does because I have a bunch of managers that I have under me around the country that all like to email me at the exact moment that I am busy as all hell.

I am in 5 hours of CPR and First Aid training AND I am hosting our St Patty’s Day office potluck. Like I said, over achiever, that’s me! I have to make the Reuben pinwheels tonight and pick up decorations. I haven’t even started on the games! I was thinking trivia, how many green jelly beans in the jar, write a limerick. Silly games like that. Maybe we will do Hot Potato, but I work in a semi professional office and with a lot of thirty and twenty something’s. they might find it silly. Oh well.

So the real kick in the butt is I get up here and see all of these baby CPR dolls. I wanted to cry. Didn’t of course but then it was my group’s turn. We got down on the floor an had to handle the baby. I have been doubting myself lately and if having a baby was really what we wanted and needed. Just having that plastic life like baby in my arms made me sure that this is what I want. I want a baby. I want to have a baby. I kept stroking the plastic fingers and holding the head and body as if I was rocking it to sleep. I made site to pay extra attention because CPR was always one of the training classes I wanted to complete before I had a baby. So so I know in case of emergency. I like to over prepare 🙂

I haven’t held a baby in years. I haven’t held one since we have been trying and failing so far. I want this. I want a baby. And I will keep doing everything possible to make it happen. I ordered my new round of IUI meds including Clomid. I will try to find that happy middle between hope and certain failure.




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