Just think….

Yes, I actually own this book. This was my 2011 Christmas present from my husband. It was his way of announcing that he was on board with getting pregnant. HA! is all I have to say.

If we had gotten pregnant in the first try then I could be playing with a six month old right now…. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to hear that I am pregnant. I can’t imagine what my belly would look or feel like.

As you may have guessed, we are not pregnant. I found out in the car on the way to the hotel. I wasn’t that upset when the doctor called. He was extremely gentle and hopeful for our third and final IUI try. I kept pushing to ask what was after IUI because I have already given up that hope of it working but he wants me to stay hopeful. I don’t want to. I want to move on to trying new things. Are they more frightening, sure, but when I know what I want, I will make a plan and make it come to be.

So we get to the hotel. I call my mom and sound strangely apathetic and in a joking mood. My husband and I finally decide on Japanese Hibachi (Benihana-like restaurant) for dinner. He makes reservations and when we finally arrive they seat us at one of the communal table/stoves. As we sit down I see the most adorable 2 little girls about 5-7 yrs old and their little chubby faced brother who couldn’t have been more than 6 months old. All three stared at me at once. I started breathing heavy and I started to cry. Not cute wistful crying, but I just got pushed off my bike and a bigger and better girl is riding off into the park with it crying. I tried for 30 seconds, maybe less, to compose myself but Lenny asked me if I wanted to go because he saw them too and I bolted. The host asked us if we wanted another table because he saw us running to the door, I decided, sure, why not? We waited about 10 minutes for another table and we let my tears subside in the dark corner of the waiting area. So we are seated in the opposite area as the beautiful three sibling children. And I look up and another young couple is coming to the table with a 3 year old girl staring at me. She had a unibrow and looked like Frida, so believe me, this stare was intense. It’s like she saw right through me. Saw that I was broken machinery that couldn’t make one of her. Then the father lifted his right arm and set their baby carrier with a newborn in it on the table. I lost it and ran towards the door. The host stopped us once again and asked if we needed another table. I told him that I just couldn’t be seated with children tonight and I got the most dirty looks from a couple seated near the door. I wanted to scream, “I DON’T HATE KIDS!!!!!! IN FACT, I WANT THEM SO MUCH THAT I AM TORTURING MYSELF TO GET, AW FUCK YOU, I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU!”

Somehow the host convinces me to stay and that he will seat us without any children. Then my loving and compassionate husband leans over to me and say, “I don’t care if the freakin’ Magic School Bus sits next to us this time, we are eating.”. Now let me tell you, he did not say this with any malice or to hurt me, but my husband has inherited his father’s inappropriate and bad timing sense of humor. I burst out into tears and finally ran out of the restaurant, host be damned! Lenny felt like shit. He couldn’t catch the words coming out of his mouth and immediately was pleading with me to forgive him. I did but only because I didn’t have the strength to be angry at him. I was too sad and needed tequila.

And once we got to a new sushi place I ordered the biggest Tequila Sunrise the lady could bring me. Patron goes down way too smooth. Then we got back to the hotel room where we drank the less classy but just at good Jose Cuervo in red solo cups mixed with margarita mix. I have sensitive teeth so I couldn’t drink it out the cup from the rim so I used a soda straw. BAD IDEA. And 4 cups later I was in a very very good and drunk place in under and hour. Pretty sure we had sex. The rest is according to my husband. Apparently I begged him to get my hair rollers to set my hair (which I do every night) but I wanted him to do my hair. And I guess I kept pleading with him because he said he finally agreed. As he walked to the bathroom to get my brush, he says I stopped talking in mid sentence. He came back in and I was passed the fuck out. One roller in the front of my head, bra on and snoring. I know, I don’t know how he kept his hands off me either ;).

I woke up at 7am with the worst hangover I have ever had. I have never passed out from alcohol before but I guess when you only drink ONCE a month, your tolerance goes waaay down.

So that was it. Waiting for AF to come. I bought tampons and pads. I try to never buy them because I feel like it is jinxing it before the PG test. Sigh. I feel the cramping twinge and it makes me want to cry but I guess I should just be grateful that this means we can try again. But this really makes me think about why we are having a child. Is it just selfishness? I don’t need 12 kids to til the soil on the farm and I’m not Mormon, so why do we do it? So I can have a little me or Lenny? It is so different to purposefully have a child. What the fuck does it feel like to accidentally get pregnant? Okay, I’m not going to turn into bitter Jaime.

Off I go to watch Tivoed “Price is Right” and snuggle with the husband in bed. Sigh

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thumbalina
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 06:54:51

    I’m sorry about the results =( I don’t know how women get accidentally pregnant. My sister got accidentally pregnant and choose to terminate it, and every time I would bring up that I wanted kids, she use to tell me how ugly pregnancy is, and how terrible kids are, and how she just wants to punch them when she sees them….. thank God we don’t talk any more, because dealing with that ridiculousness was stressful enough!
    I started my first day of work yesterday, and I was starting with a couple new girls, who both are young than me, and both have infants at home. Everyone asked if I had any kids, and then proceeded to show me pics of their children on their phones. First fucking day at work. I wanted to be like “Hi, I’m new, I went to school for IR & PR, and I am infertile. Thank you.” I didn’t shed a tear though, which is incredible, because driving on the Stevenson last night, I saw an older guy (late 50’s early 60’s) whose creeper van broke down on the side of the road. He looked so frustrated, and I started wondering if he had a cell phone to call any one for help, or if he even had the money to fix the problem (the creeper van looked liked something from the 70’s 80’s)…. I started Sobbing because I just drove past, and didn’t ask him if he needed any help. I felt bad for him and guilty for not helping him out financially to fix the van, when I was lucky enough to be starting a new job and could afford to help another fellow human out..wtf, right?… thank you Clomid!

    anyway, I know a couple people, including myself, who are putting together a Barren-vacation! You should talk to your hubs about. It’s basically looking for a once-in-a-lifetime trip to a place you have always wanted to go, and you wouldn’t be able to do if you had kids. Kind of like a “fuck you, you had kids, and I can’t, so I’m spending $$$$ to stay a couple weeks backpacking (location)”. I actually started looking forward to my list. I want kids SO bad, but if i can’t have them, I’m going to be like Jules Vern and travel the world in 80 days! lol

    Reply

  2. Sarah
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 08:13:16

    If a girl can’t go on a tequila bender when she gets a negative beta, when can she? I’m so sorry about the negative though. If your third IUI doesn’t work, are you moving on to IVF?

    Reply

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