Hope vs Sadness

The day is finally here. The end of the 2WW. Two weeks. 14 days that I did my best to not think about it. I think I did a good job of not freaking out and thinking I was pregnant every time I felt anything. Googling symptoms, due dates, names…..I did that last time and it turned out that I was not pregnant. I was crushed. And not like, “Oh no, that cute boy from
math class took Becky to the dance instead of me.”. I mean like the absolute worst day of my life to memory. And I know that I am very fortunate that it was the worst day up to this point because I know a lot of people have struggled with much more. But to me, it was terrible. I had a panic attack, I couldn’t breathe but I couldn’t stop sobbing either.

So now I think I pulled a 180. My mind won’t let me get my hopes up, I felt defeated before we even started. I don’t know what the happy medium would be at this point. Maybe when we first started this journey over a year ago, those first few months, I didn’t freak out and I had the right amount of hope but also doubt. Now, I don’t know how to feel. I feel almost numb. My husband asked me if I am nervous and I think for the first time in two weeks, I would say that yes I am. I want to be pregnant. I want a baby so much.

When I took the at home pregnancy tests this week, I know that they weren’t high quality and it was still technically too early to tell, but I still wanted to see those 2 lines. II . That’s all I wanted. But it was just that one. I . Looking back at me. And no matter how hard I tried to find that second line, it wasn’t there. And I thought to myself, I have probably taken over 30 of these tests and they have all been negative. I can’t even imagine what a positive test looks like. And that makes me think that maybe it is not in the “Plan” of everything for me to be pregnant. I have been defeated so much, that I can’t see the finish line anymore. I feel like I am going through the infertility treatment motions. I don’t want that. I want to feel alive! But I think the numbing is my natural mechanism to not be let down and demolished again by hope.

So I won’t think about it. Because otherwise I will sit here at my desk and cry. Because I already feel defeated. I already feel the sadness sitting behind me just waiting to pounce on the little hope I have left and beat him to a pulp. I want my hope to be victorious. I want it to be “David and Goliath”. I want my tiny amount of hope to be enough to get me to that finish line and be pregnant. I want “hope” to kick “sadness’s” ASS.

Image

Advertisements

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Thumbalina
    Mar 08, 2013 @ 09:55:18

    Aw, the Two week wait is hard enough in itself, and then you have to add the ‘end result’ of either happiness or devastation….and people ask why we ware so moody?! I couldn’t agree with you more about not being able to see the “finish line” any more. I had a pinterest board filled with cute Ideas for my spare bedroom, I had names picked out and started looking for hospitals…. now, I’m trying to decided if we should get a desktop computer for that room, instead of just setting out laptops on it. I’m trying to find out where we should go on vacation, and not even thinking about “what if I’m 6 months pregnant by then”, because you can only take so much disappointment until your body believes it to be fact.
    I am really pulling for you two! You both seem like such a perfect couple, and I know you deserve this! I know nothing I can say will take the anxiety away…but if you come on tomorrow with pure bliss, we’ll all be here to help celebrate with you, and if the sadness prevails, your blogging followers will all be here to hate the shit out of your uterus together! (Okay, maybe it’s not your uterus fault, but I blame mine every month, lol)…..fingers crossed!

    Reply

  2. jaygore
    Mar 08, 2013 @ 11:38:54

    Thank you Thank you Thank you. Those are the exact kind words ( “your blogging followers will all be here to hate the shit out of your uterus together!”) that I needed right now. HUGS 🙂

    Reply

  3. lennygore
    Mar 08, 2013 @ 18:41:03

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: