Today is the Day

Today is the day. My third pitch of of my time at bat this inning. I have been striking out the whole game and I am 2-0 now on my last pitch.

I of course am referencing my IUI that is scheduled for today. I am so nervous but I have also been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to even think about it. I have been so stressed at work and there is not an option to not work so much.

What are we going to do I it doesn’t work? Should we jump right into IVF? Should we try more IUI cycles? How much do the IVF medications cost with our HMO Illinois insurance?

Or should I let my body rest? Or would we lose time? I’m nervous about everything because I wanted this to work the first two times.

I have to stay calm and have much sex with my hubby this weekend. Oh wait, we are staying with my mom this weekend because she just had shoulder surgery. Guess we will have to find places to sneak a quickie in our car lol. Wouldnt

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Meds

I started Klonopin today.  My stress and anxiety are out of my control.  Everyone says to just not work so much.  That is not an option.  I can’t just tell my boss no.  But I also can’t have any more episodes of me working like a madman while uncontrollable tears flow down my face not being able to catch my breath at my desk.  I know that this is not good for an unborn child, but I am not pregnant yet.  That is painfully clear.  But I still have hope.  And I will stop when I am pregnant.  I don’t drink (except for the weekend bender after a BFN), smoke or do any drugs.  I need something!  My 3rd and last IUI is this Friday.  I hope.  I have an ultrasound in the morning.  I have too many moving things in my life right now that all need attention.  Maybe this is just preparation to be a mom.  I will TRY my best to write more tomorrow.  I just took my first dose of klonopin tonight and it actually did the trick immediately.  I just can’t take it often.  There is a risk of building a dependence.  Did I mention the extreme migraines almost all day?  I think they are from the stress.  Okay, enough complaining.  See you guys in the mornin’!

Anxious about being Anxious

So, for some reason, I just feel like I am never going to see that positive pregnancy test. It will always be a single line just sitting there, snickering like the girls in high school at lunch. Laughing at me because I am weird. Not normal. Dysfunctional. Broken. Maybe I feel like this is all make believe and I am like a little girl who wishes to get pregnant and we play doctor. But I know nothing is really going to happen.

We are lucky enough that my husband and I don’t feel like we need a baby to complete us. Our family is complete and a baby would make a wonderful blessing. But I just wonder, what if this IUI doesn’t work and then the IVF doesn’t work. Then what? Do we just give up? Is that all there is? Would I have to adopt? That is not a cure for infertility, just a cure for wanting to be a parent. I want to experience pregnancy and feeling that child grow.

I think my doctor could hear it in my voice when he told me about the 2nd failed IUI. He told me that I should just focus on what is next, not all the what if’s. But I can’t. I just don’t know how to feel. Hope? Sadness? Nothing?

Work is not helping. I am so stressed that I am shutting down. I have a bunch of shit to do. About 14 things on my to do list and I haven’t even started. It is 10am. I feel like, I just don’t care or want to see it. I want to hide and fall under the surface. My doctor said I might have to consider anti anxiety medication. And I think she is right. I am way too wound up. I can’t even enjoy being at home alone with my husband because I can’t stop thinking about things I need to do at work, or becoming paranoid about my job and if my boss is mad at me. Or I am freaking out about infertility. Or money. My husband and I spend a shit ton on food just for the two of us. We eat out constantly. But I am too tired to cook when I get home and the thought of it makes me want to punch something. When I get home, honestly, I just like to veg out in front of the TV watching QVC or HSN. It is mindless and I don’t have to think. I can’t even open my computer when I get home because I can’t stand the thought of staring at a computer screen anymore. I stare at one for 10 hours a day.

I have ADD and Bipolar II. I have been taking Wellbutrin for about 2 years and it has helped me leaps and bounds. But I cannot go to the movies, watch a movie at home or even read a book. If you can imagine what an agorophobic feels before they step outside of their house, that is the exact feeling I get when I think about movies or books. I freak out. Even if it is a movie that I promised my husband we would see or a great book that I want to read. This has caused a great many fights between my husband and I. But during couple’s therapy, I mentioned these feelings to my doctor and she said that it is classic anxiety.

Now I know, I am trying to get pregnant so why would I start an anti anxiety drug when I would just have to stop when I get pregnant? I would absolutely LOVE to have that problem. But until then, I need something. I can’t deal with these feelings if I can utilize medication while not pregnant. I will ask my RE and OBGYN before I start anything.

Okay, I have a conference call in 7 minutes that I have NOT prepared for at all. Time to go bullshit my way through. Yay me!

Clomid

Just took this cycle’s first night of Clomid. I got a hot flash in less than ten minutes. Crap. This week will. not. be. fun. Sorry in advance to my husband!

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We can’t have a baby yet so we had a fish. His name is Henry.

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It was an impulse purchase for me to take to work. You know, a fish on my desk to keep me calm and destress. Well my husband fed the fish one time and was immediately hooked. We have had him for over a week and my husband is in love. This may seem silly over just a fish, but it really showed me how much my husband has baby fever and has the need to take care of something. It’s kind of adorable. He dotes over Henry and talks to him. We actually had to rush home from dinner on Friday because my husband was worried because it was so far after Henry’s feeding time. This weekend was a pretty awesome weekend. Spent just the two of us reconnecting. And snuggling. We got nothing else done, but it was just what I needed. Grocery shopping and vacuuming can wait another day…..

Training

So here I am at work. For some insane reason, I signed up to be the workplace floor safety manager. Well actually, the woman who was supposed to be had a huge meeting come up. I don’t suck up in the obvious traditional way, no, I like to volunteer to extra work to hopefully get extra credit around review time. Does that make sense? I don’t know if it does because I have a bunch of managers that I have under me around the country that all like to email me at the exact moment that I am busy as all hell.

I am in 5 hours of CPR and First Aid training AND I am hosting our St Patty’s Day office potluck. Like I said, over achiever, that’s me! I have to make the Reuben pinwheels tonight and pick up decorations. I haven’t even started on the games! I was thinking trivia, how many green jelly beans in the jar, write a limerick. Silly games like that. Maybe we will do Hot Potato, but I work in a semi professional office and with a lot of thirty and twenty something’s. they might find it silly. Oh well.

So the real kick in the butt is I get up here and see all of these baby CPR dolls. I wanted to cry. Didn’t of course but then it was my group’s turn. We got down on the floor an had to handle the baby. I have been doubting myself lately and if having a baby was really what we wanted and needed. Just having that plastic life like baby in my arms made me sure that this is what I want. I want a baby. I want to have a baby. I kept stroking the plastic fingers and holding the head and body as if I was rocking it to sleep. I made site to pay extra attention because CPR was always one of the training classes I wanted to complete before I had a baby. So so I know in case of emergency. I like to over prepare 🙂

I haven’t held a baby in years. I haven’t held one since we have been trying and failing so far. I want this. I want a baby. And I will keep doing everything possible to make it happen. I ordered my new round of IUI meds including Clomid. I will try to find that happy middle between hope and certain failure.

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Things that make you go, “Whaaaa” in the bathroom

So I am on day 33 of my cycle and I have been having cramps for two days.  I just used the restroom and had to wipe like FOUR TIMES.  Oh yeah, TMI warning!  It was this extremely abundant, clear and sticky substance and it had little spots of blood here and there, but it was like someone just dumped only the clear part of two eggs in my bergina.  Now I am googling because I have never had a discharge like that.  We had sex last night, but not the procreating kind, meaning he did not inseminate me.  I trying to not call my doctor and freak out.  The last two tries when I received the negative test, the doctor told me that I would have to have an ultrasound to make sure there were no cysts.  I am worried about that because I have been on clomid for a total of 8 months.  The first 5 months were a wash because my OBGYN did not monitor me so my RE doesn’t count those cycles.  But clomid is a serious medication.

I figured I would post here before filling up my nurse’s voicemail box lol.  Other than that, I am okay.  Just trying to relax.  That has been a lot more difficult than it sounds lately.  I can feel myself getting into a funk/ depression.  I won’t let myself.  I know I want a child.  I know I am strong enough to go through all of these procedures.  I know our marriage is strong enough.  I still just wonder if any of it will work.  And that makes me sad.

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