Let’s try it again from the beginning

So it is Cycle Day 1 for me today.  35 days exactly.  I took a pregnancy test this morning just in case a BLOOD TEST was wrong.  Barely grasping at straws, I know.  But as soon as I finished the test I noticed the red stripe on the tissue.  Sigh.  But at least that means we are starting again.

Sorry I haven’t written in so long.  I seem to be the only insanely busy person on my team and I really hate leaving things for the next day.  But I am realizing that I cannot put all of this stress on myself this cycle.  I can’t be broken like the last cycle.

And that brings me to the topic that I have been trying to figure out how to put down on “paper” so to speak.  

Hope is not always a great thing.  But you can’t have just a little hope.  It’s an all or nothing kind of thing.  I either have hope that I will be pregnant and I will completely crushed in the end or I can have no hope.  But I don’t think that is possible.  But on Friday and over the weekend, I kept telling my husband, “Fuck Hope.  Obama lied”.  Now I am not getting political, I am just saying that HOPE broke my fucking heart.  

So I figured it out.  Well at least a temporary solution.  I will treat having a baby as if I were playing the Powerball Lottery.  I will drive to the store, stand in line and buy my ticket.  I will hold on to that ticket and wait for my numbers to be called.  If I don’t win the million dollar prize, it will be okay because I knew it was a long shot.  I am not saying that I don’t want a million dollars, I really do!  But when you play the lottery, it is a different kind of hope.  Like I said, this is just a temporary theory.  I’ll let you guys know after this cycle and tww (two week wait).

I know that I will still be heartbroken so my husband and I came up with a plan for the last day of the TWW.  I will wait until the last friday of the tww and then I will take the blood pregnancy test.  Then I will request that the nurse ONLY call me after 4pm.  I will leave work at 4pm and my husband will be waiting outside with the car and our luggage.  That’s right, luggage.  Our “bug out” bag so to speak.  It will contain clothes for 2 days, alcohol (Tequila is my choice!), board games, lingerie and dvds.  Then we will go straight to a mid range hotel and hide out there for 2 days.  Last week, I realized that I couldn’t go home.  I think I felt that if we went straight home then I would have gotten into bed and just fallen deep into depression.  I told my husband we needed to everything possible to keep my mind occupied.  And it worked.  I actually felt great by Sunday.  

So here we go again, ladies!  I see a lot of you are going into your next cycle as well.  We can all be a huge bag of hormones together! 🙂

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bebeparler
    Feb 08, 2013 @ 03:41:43

    That’s a great plan for the post bfn escape. Must come up with a plan myself for next week. Hope can be a terrible thing. I always wonder whether to be ‘positive’ & full of hope and then get devastated or stay pessimistic to protect myself.

    Reply

    • jaygore
      Feb 09, 2013 @ 13:26:27

      Good luck next week. I don’t think I could be truly pessimistic and still put myself through all of the treatments. So I guess there is no easy way around the small positive thoughts in the back of my head.

      Reply

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