In Limbo

I’m in limbo.  The last 3 days of the TWW before my pregnancy test are going to be hard to get through.  I want to run into the bathroom to see if we have any leftover pregnancy tests from 2 months ago (the last time we tried naturally).  I want to hope that there is a BFP but I know that it would not be as reliable and I wouldn’t trust the results as much as I will the blood test.  I have never been one for patience.  I bought my own engagement ring when I found an amazing deal and surprised my then fiance (now DH) with it.  He was pretty sure it was supposed to be the other way around.  But I know what I want and I do all in my planning power to make sure it happens.  But it is not always the best thing because somethings should be a surprise and be left to chance.

I am a planner, organizer and control-oholic. I know this and can admit it to myself.  (That’s the first step, right?)  I even did it with planning for a baby.  We knew that we wanted to wait at least a few years after we got married to make sure that we got that special “newlywed” time together before kids.  Do I regret waiting?  No because I know that we would not have been able to take care of ourselves and a child with a safe home and not go further into debt.  I was 28 when we officially started trying.  Married for 3.5 years and with the love of my life for 7 years.  It just felt right.  I immediately went on all of the forums and message boards for pregnancy.  I even started scouring the infertility boards for information (foreshadowing in real life?  What!?).  Then I bought the home ovulation kits (the test strips you pee on for a certain 20 days to tell you when you greatest window is to ovulate), I also bought a thermometer and I printed out a cycle chart online.  I told you I can be a bit over-prepared.  Well I quickly learned that at 5am when I get up to pee I quickly forget to pee in a cup and there goes the good pee for the morning!  And by the time I realized it I also remembered that I forgot to take my temperature before I got out of bed.  But that was the first month and I got the hang of it.  (We started putting a solo cup on top of the closed toilet seat!)

We timed having sex at the right times and intervals so it drove me up the friggin WALL whenever anyone had a thought or theory about why it wasn’t happening after a few months.  My father in law actually had the nerve to ask if I knew that there are only certain times during the month that a woman could get pregnant.  Luckily my jaw hit the table before I was able to upheave that sucker.  That was the day I stopped mentioning anything about us trying to his parents.    But that is another post for another day labeled “Inlaws: Love em’ or Turn the lights off and hope they stop knocking and go away?”.

So now I sit here blogging so that I stay off of Google, Message Boards and WebMD just to save my sanity.  Because all I did in my downtime today was Google: ovulation cramps.

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