down

I’m just depressed and in a low place.  Too much stress.  Stress at work.  Stress at home.  Stress in stirrups.  I want to say I can’t deal with any of it anymore but that is not an option.  I have to be strong because, well I just have to.  I just need a vacation from my entire life.  Pregnancy test in the morning.  I wish I could be happy.  But I can’t.  I can’t get excited because then I would be more crushed.  But no one understands in my life.  I’m alone.  It hurts.  And now after a huge fight with my husband I am having cramps and just sadness.  Sorry for the depressing post but I said I would always be honest here.

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Happy Spray

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I use Rescue Remedy whenever I am stressed or very anxious. It always calms me down. I found this after I quit smoking and drinking alcohol and caffeine. I need a vice dammit! What do you guys do when you are stressed but don’t want to smoke or drink since you are trying for a baby?

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Spots

So I woke up to a pinkish hue on my toilet tissue this morning. I put on a panty liner and there is clearly very light spotting. So this could be either implantation or my period. Either way I am preparing myself. I keep looking at my tummy and wondering if cells are dividing an an embryo is starting to form.

I just feel alone because I have no one in real life to talk to about any of this. Sure people will listen but they don’t know what this is like. The 1000 emotions that come with every moment of the day. Am I being a bit dramatic with that last statement? Sure, but it’s how I feel sometimes. Blogging is very helpful an therapeutic because it lets me say things that I normally can’t put into words and it gives me an audience of women who know exactly what I’m going through.

Anyway, I completely have a case of ADHD this morning and I can’t concentrate on anything at work. Time to dive in to the crap pile.

In Limbo

I’m in limbo.  The last 3 days of the TWW before my pregnancy test are going to be hard to get through.  I want to run into the bathroom to see if we have any leftover pregnancy tests from 2 months ago (the last time we tried naturally).  I want to hope that there is a BFP but I know that it would not be as reliable and I wouldn’t trust the results as much as I will the blood test.  I have never been one for patience.  I bought my own engagement ring when I found an amazing deal and surprised my then fiance (now DH) with it.  He was pretty sure it was supposed to be the other way around.  But I know what I want and I do all in my planning power to make sure it happens.  But it is not always the best thing because somethings should be a surprise and be left to chance.

I am a planner, organizer and control-oholic. I know this and can admit it to myself.  (That’s the first step, right?)  I even did it with planning for a baby.  We knew that we wanted to wait at least a few years after we got married to make sure that we got that special “newlywed” time together before kids.  Do I regret waiting?  No because I know that we would not have been able to take care of ourselves and a child with a safe home and not go further into debt.  I was 28 when we officially started trying.  Married for 3.5 years and with the love of my life for 7 years.  It just felt right.  I immediately went on all of the forums and message boards for pregnancy.  I even started scouring the infertility boards for information (foreshadowing in real life?  What!?).  Then I bought the home ovulation kits (the test strips you pee on for a certain 20 days to tell you when you greatest window is to ovulate), I also bought a thermometer and I printed out a cycle chart online.  I told you I can be a bit over-prepared.  Well I quickly learned that at 5am when I get up to pee I quickly forget to pee in a cup and there goes the good pee for the morning!  And by the time I realized it I also remembered that I forgot to take my temperature before I got out of bed.  But that was the first month and I got the hang of it.  (We started putting a solo cup on top of the closed toilet seat!)

We timed having sex at the right times and intervals so it drove me up the friggin WALL whenever anyone had a thought or theory about why it wasn’t happening after a few months.  My father in law actually had the nerve to ask if I knew that there are only certain times during the month that a woman could get pregnant.  Luckily my jaw hit the table before I was able to upheave that sucker.  That was the day I stopped mentioning anything about us trying to his parents.    But that is another post for another day labeled “Inlaws: Love em’ or Turn the lights off and hope they stop knocking and go away?”.

So now I sit here blogging so that I stay off of Google, Message Boards and WebMD just to save my sanity.  Because all I did in my downtime today was Google: ovulation cramps.

Don’t put the stroller before the baby…

So I woke up this morning with very slight cramps. It could be in my head. But it brought me back down to reality. I need to not get my hopes up because if I am not pregnant this cycle then I will be crushed. I will be crushed either way but I need to be patient and not put the stroller before the baby!

But another part of me is shouting hope that these are just implantation cramps. I’m having the hubby take a half day on Friday because the nurse said she will call on Friday afternoon to let me know the results. Either way, I know I don’t want to be alone for very long.

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Peeking

I have been naughty. I was looking at Pinterest boards for ways to announce a pregnancy to my husband and eventually everyone. This is scary because I don’t like to get my hopes up too much. The first year of us trying naturally were very difficult and heart breaking at times. I need to take it slow.

A cold but cheerful Saturday!

My birthday was awesome! And all thanks to my Hubby. Special breakfast, hour long massage at A fancy hotel downtown. Then we spent four hours at The Art Institute including lunch at the cafe. Then we went to dinner with my Mom to the Cheesecake Factory. Seriously, this may have been the best birthday ever. I think it was the massage.

We went for the blood test for my progesterone levels very early in the morning and the doctor didn’t call me until the evening. I did pretty well not thinking about it. Then when expecting a call from my mom I picked up the phone and exclaimed, “Hey Ma!”, without looking at the caller id. Then I heard my doctor’s very low and patient voice say my name questionably. I was so so embarrassed. But he completely understood. That why I like him. He is quirky and very sarcastic. Not everyone gets it. When my very nervous laughter calmed down he let me know that my progesterone levels were very good. This doctor does not give false hope or exaggerate so I was elated because this means I ovulated! This is the first real confirmation that I have had that I can ovulate so I was ecstatic! Granted I was on Clomid and did the HCG shot, but ovulation happened! That was an amazing birthday present in itself.

So I go for the blood pregnancy test next Friday on Feb 1st. Again, I am trying not to jump ahead of myself and think about it too much. I don’t think it is an immediate yes or no that morning. The doctor will have to call me. But would he tell me over the phone or would he ask me to come in person? I don’t know how I could just sit at work if it is a BFP. I would just be sobbing and giggling uncontrollably on every conference call. But either way, I just really want that BFP whether it be over the phone, in person or by carrier pigeon!

Right now my husband and I are at a blood donation at the football stadium in Chicago. You get a free tour and get to meet some Superbowl players too. I won’t be donating because with any chance I am pregnant, I don’t want to lose a pint of blood.

Gotta go, hubby is done bleeding!

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